


Letters From the Dead

by In_love_with_too_many_fandoms



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Anger, Casket, Confessing love, Death, Depressing, Funeral, Implied Relationships, Letters, Love, M/M, Sad, Self Harm, Sherlock's Funeral, Shock, Suicide, Surprises, Trigger Warnings, be careful when reading, definite trigger warnings, please be cautious, read at your own disgression, regaining strength, sorrowful, stay safe, upsetting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-09-08 06:46:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8834476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/In_love_with_too_many_fandoms/pseuds/In_love_with_too_many_fandoms
Summary: Sherlock has died. When John is cleaning out Sherlock’s room, he finds a box of letters Sherlock wrote, confessing his true feelings.





	1. Prologue

“John!” Sherlock shouted from his bedroom. He opened his door and slammed it shut. “I’m going out!” He stomped over to the living room where John was mindlessly scrolling the internet on his laptop for a new case. 

“All right,” John said in recognition. He hadn’t even looked up from his computer. screen “Where are you going?”

“Nowhere.” Sherlock was stuttering. He didn’t expect John to respond. In hindsight, Sherlock should have just walked out the door without saying anything. 

At that point, John shut the laptop. “Sherlock? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

John could tell that Sherlock was the complete opposite of this. He was staring blankly at the wall. His words were so monotone, it didn't seem like they had even come from his mouth. 

“Are you sure?” John was probably pushing his buttons right now. 

Sherlock’s exasperated sigh confirmed this theory. “John, I'm fine. I just want to go out and get some air.”

“Well, then why didn’t you tell me that from the beginning?” John was starting to get worried. Sherlock was acting abnormal; a lot more abnormal than usual.

“John!” Sherlock snapped at me. “I’m fine! Just leave me alone.” Sherlock wrenched open the door and turned back around to face me. “And whatever you do, don’t follow me.” He walked out the door and slammed it shut behind him.  
John put my face in my hands and sighed. ‘I should have been nicer to him. I shouldn’t have pushed him.’ Now there was nothing he could do. ‘I’ll just apologize whenever he gets home.’ John opened up his laptop again to take his mind off of the Sherlock incident. Sadly, the news story he read a little while later made everything so much worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this was such a short beginning chapter, but it is just the prologue. It was also kept vague purposely for that reason. Chapter One will be up tomorrow and all of the other chapters will be longer, I promise. I hope you enjoy it! Comments and kudos are much appreciated!


	2. One

John was still scrolling through his blog, looking for a decent case, when he heard a knock on the door. He quickly whipped his head in it’s direction. A muffled voice came through from the other side of the door. “John? It’s Mrs. Hudson. Can you please let me in?” 

John sighed. Mrs. Hudson had keys to their humble abode, so why couldn’t she use them? He put the computer onto the couch cushion that he wasn’t using and propelled himself upwards. He shuffled over to the door, placed a hand on the doorknob and then hesitated for a moment. Sherlock had slammed this same door not even fifteen minutes ago. John shut his eyes hard in an attempt to stop his tears from flowing. He took another second to compose himself before opening the door ever so slowly. 

“Jesus, John!” Mrs.Hudson burst into the room. For an older woman, she had a fair bit of energy. “What could you possibly have done to that poor man?”

He instantly knew who she was talking about, but John didn’t understand why she blamed him for Sherlock stomping out of the apartment building. “What do you mean? I didn’t do anything!”

Mrs. Hudson stalked over to the kitchen and set up a pot of tea. She started pacing from the stove to the fridge, which wasn’t so much as a pace, more like a long stride back and forth. “Oh don’t start with me. We both know that you had something to do with the way he left the building.”

John clenched his hands into fists by his sides. “Yeah, I did. All I did was make sure he was okay by continuously asking him.”

Mrs. Hudson made a tsk tsk noise. “There’s your first problem. You never ask if he’s okay. You just leave him be.”

John was seriously getting mad at this point. He was about to let one of his fists fly into the wall he was standing next to. However, he managed to successfully restrain himself for the time being. “Is it so wrong to ask my best friend how he is doing? Is it so bad to want to let him know that I care?”

The teapot began to whistle. Mrs. Hudson took the water off of the heat and poured it into the teacup she rooted around for in our cupboard. She placed the teapot onto one of the unused burners on the stove and then began to dip her tea bag in and out of the water. “Well, you should have been concerned about him when you were going to ask him out. Maybe if you weren’t so scared about how he’d react, then you’d be able to care about how he was feeling. Instead, you took it upon yourself to find someone to fill the void left by that curly haired detective. In the midst of looking, you found the mousy haired Mary. Do you see the predicament you’ve put yourself in?”

At that point, John lost his temper. “Get out! I want you out of here!” Mrs. Hudson huffed and moved to leave with her tea. “And leave the teapot!” 

Mrs. Hudson crossed the apartment to get to the front door. “You can't deny the fact that I’m right.” For the second time in less than thirty minutes, someone slammed the door shut.

John released a very angry breath he didn’t know he was holding in. He went down onto the couch and laid down. He stared at the left most corner of the ceiling and focused on his breathing in an attempt to calm himself down. John closed his eyes, and before he knew it, he had drifted off to sleep.

-

“John! I’m home!” Mary threw her keys down on the table next to the front door. 

John groaned and sat up, rubbing the sleep away from his eyes. “How long was I out for?” 

It was more of a rhetorical question, but Mary answered regardless. “Well, I just got home, so I don’t have much to base this answer off of, but I’d guess anywhere between five and twenty minutes.”

John groaned again. “No wonder why I’m so tired. Ugh. I’ve had the worst day ever.”

“Tell me about it.” John went to speak again, but Mary continued. “I had an awful day too! It must just be the fact that it’s a Monday. Monday’s always suck.”

‘Why would she even want to hear what happened during my day,’ John thought to himself. ‘I’m probably nothing to her anyways. It’s not like I’m her husband or anything.’

Mary began to busy herself in the kitchen. “What do you want for dinner? I was thinking spaghetti and meatballs but I’m not too sure.”

“That’s fine,” John responded, half paying attention. He was back on his laptop, looking for new cases and news stories. John refreshed the page and he came to a page displaying the two words, breaking news. Intrigued, John clicked the hyperlink, causing him to be directed to a brand new page. Clicking on this news story became John’s worst nightmare. He read the title of the article and was startled so much that his laptop crashed to the ground.

Mary came sprinting over to him from the kitchen. “John! Are you okay? What happened?” 

John was trying so hard to hold back tears, so he was unable to speak. He was shaking so bad, but he still managed to point at the screen of his computer that was now lying on the floor.

Mary tilted it to her in order to see it better. She placed a trembling hand to her mouth and then used it to wipe away the tears streaming down her face. The news story was the worst thing the Watsons’ could ever read; Sherlock Holmes, Consulting Detective, commits suicide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please leave a comment or kudos if you did! The next chapter will be up tomorrow!


	3. Two

“We are gathered here today,” John said while choking back tears, “to celebrate the life and times of the wonderful Sherlock Holmes.” John sniffled. “Would anyone like to get up and say something?”

Mary got up and went over to the podium. John stepped down in order to sit in the seat next to the one his wife had recently occupied.

“Sherlock Holmes was a great man,” Mary began. “He was a great flat mate and an even better friend to my amazing husband.” She held out her hand in a gesture of pointing to John. “He gave us countless smiles, laughs, tears, and fights, but I wouldn’t change any of it for the world. He will be missed dearly.”

Mary came and sat down in the seat next to John. He took her hand, placed it on his knee, and began to rub his thumb in between the spot where her thumb and index finger meet in slow, soothing circles. 

There was a minute of silence until Mycroft Holmes stood up from the row behind John and made his way up to the podium. 

Before he turned around to face all of the people who came to mourn Sherlock, he took a moment to stare at his dead brother lying in his casket. He looked so peaceful, unlike the photos the media had plastered over every website and television set that proclaimed the news. The photos showed him when he was bloody and broken after his fall from atop a building, but the Sherlock in the casket looked oddly lifelike. It looked like Sherlock could jump out of the casket at any moment and proclaim he’s still alive. But everyone knew that wasn’t going to happen. Everyone knew the truth. Everyone saw the photos. Everyone knew the truth. Some people even saw it happen in real life. This wasn’t another Reichenbach Fall moment; this was the real deal. 

Mycroft cleared his throat and everyone turned his attention to him. He always looked composed, but today he looked like he could fall apart any moment. “It’s always hard for those related to the loved ones by blood, and it’s especially hard when that same person you grew up with is the one that you’re tasked with burying.” Mycroft put up a hand to his mouth to stifle his tears. “Well, Sherl, I miss you a lot.” Mycroft turned back around to face the coffin. He placed a hand on the outside edge near Sherlock’s head. “You’re up there now with Redbeard. Give him a big hug for me.” Mycroft briskly walked away from the podium and out of the funeral house. Everyone in there could hear him crying from outside. Greg Lestrade got up out of his seat and went outside after his boyfriend. If anyone would be able to calm him down, it would be Lestrade. 

Molly got up directly after the two men dashed out of the building. She walked straight to the podium, not even daring a look at the casket. She had a wad of tissues balled up into her hand, but her face showed no sign of tears. “Sherlock told me to meet him at Cafe Le Roux down the road, where we were going to have our second date of the week.” John was shocked at this revelation. He had no idea that Sherlock Holmes was dating Molly Hooper. John quickly glanced around the room, and from the looks on people’s faces, they had absolutely no idea either. “He had said something on our first date three days prior to the second one about needing to clean out his room. I thought he was just trying to crack jokes, like he was doing only a few minutes before he stated that. Thinking back to that moment now, I should have recognized the warning signs.” Molly shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts. “However, he did say something about you, John.” She zeroed in her focus on John and locked eyes with him. “You’re the only one allowed to clean out his room. He doesn’t want anyone else going through his stuff, only you. He fears that other people with either break things or find things they aren’t supposed to see.” Molly turned back around to face her former boyfriend. “I never got to say it to you in person, but I love you, Sherlock Holmes.” Molly pulled a tissue from her wadded up ball and dabbed at her eyes. She shoved the dirty tissue back into the group of them. She went back to her seat, sat down, and then began to silently weep to herself. 

John was so stunned by Molly’s sudden outburst dedicated to just him, that he completely forgot what he was going to say. He walked up to the podium, almost as if he was being controlled by a puppeteer. He got up and stared at the sea of forlorn faces. “Sherlock Holmes was one of the greatest people I ever had the pleasure of knowing. He was the best friend anyone could ever ask for. He often talked about himself, but with his deducing skills, he could tell if you were feeling down and was prepared to listen and give advice if needed. He was a great man and an even better friend.” John turned around to face Sherlock lying in his casket. “I’m really going to miss you, Sherlock. I really will.” That’s when John broke and began to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this one! It was fairly upsetting both to write and maybe it might cause you readers a little bit of tears. Comment down below whether or not you enjoyed it, and don't forget to leave a kudos! <3 The next chapter will be up either tomorrow or Friday, since my original posting schedule had gotten messed up due to the inclusion of the prologue. I hadn't left enough time to post according to the schedule I originally set up. Either way, hope you stay tuned for the next installment as well!


	4. Three

It has been two weeks and three days since Sherlock and John had closed their last case together. It has been two weeks and two days since Sherlock and John had their last celebratory dinner together. It had been two weeks and one day since John had seen Sherlock alive for the last time. It had been two weeks exactly since Sherlock’s funeral. It had been two weeks exactly since John had gotten off of the couch and did something productive.

John was still sitting in the same spot on the couch. He would lie down in order to go to sleep, but it was never for much more than a couple of hours. He would drink the water Mary would bring to him and the occasional tea from Mrs. Hudson. He would sometimes eat the food Mary would bring; a bite or two of this or a bite or two of that. The only time he got up is if he needed to use the bathroom. After he relieved his bladder, he would just go back to his original seat and stay there until he had to go back. 

“John!” Mary called from their bedroom. She came out into the hallway, struggling to put on her coat. The sleeve was all bunched up into itself. She took off her coat, punched the sleeve back through, then put it back on. Mary walked into the living area and sighed. Everyday she hoped John would be up, but she realized she shouldn’t bother. It would be a long shot for him to do anything without a little prodding first. Mary didn’t blame him too much. He just lost his best friend, of course John was going to be severely upset. However, Mary believed that this long of a time frame is a little bit excessive. She believes he should have been up and about a week ago.

“John, are you hungry?” she asked him. He was staring at the coffee table. However, he still shook his head no. “Are you thirsty?” Again, the only response was a head shake. Mary sighed again and then walked closer to the coffee table. She swiped at everything that was on top of it, causing all of it to come crashing down. The floor became littered with papers and information from all of the previous cases John did with Sherlock and all of the cases they had lined up. 

“John, I can’t stand seeing you like this.” Mary began pacing the floor. “You need to get up and do something. I can’t stand you just sitting around doing nothing. Try and do something to get your mind off of it.” Mary stopped for a moment to think and then the perfect plan got into her head. “I’ve got it! At the wake, Molly stated something about you being the only one allowed in Sherlock’s room. Why don’t you clean it out? It might not get your mind off of the situation right now, but it will in the long run?” John just shrugged his shoulders. Mary let out an exasperated sigh that could be considered an inhuman growl. “John! Go clean up Sherlock’s room! That is an order! I am going to work and by the time I get back, that room better be spotless, do you hear me?” John nodded, but his eyes began to glitter with tears. Mary walked over to where her purse was lying next to the door. “And start with all of those papers!” She opened the door, walked out and slammed it.

John flashbacked to the day where Sherlock had the same exact response; his death day. The tears that John was holding back began to fell. He cried silent to himself for about five minutes. It was then that he realized he shouldn’t be feeling sorry for himself anymore. For the past two weeks he had been blaming himself for Sherlock’s suicide. It was then that John realized that Sherlock must have been planning this for awhile; that he couldn’t have just done it for no apparent reason. 

John pushed himself up off of the couch and slowly shuffled into the bathroom. He went in, grabbed a tissue, and blew his nose. He disposed of the used tissue into the garbage can. John turned to look at himself in the mirror. He didn’t even recognize the face that was staring back at him. He was a hollow shell of what he used to be. Seeing that image was the courage John needed. He stripped down and took a nice, hot shower. He grabbed a towel that was hanging from the rack and dried himself off. After, he walked into the room he shared with Mary and put on a fresh pair of clothes. He disposed of his two week old pair of sweatpants into the hamper. 

John, with his newly found strength, walked back into the living room to find all of the papers strewn across the floor. He searched around the room until his eyes locked on the ham and cheese sandwich Mary had brought him last night sitting on the end table. John went over to it, finished the rest of it after the three bites he took last night, and then disposed of the plate in the sink. 

It was then that he decided to tackle the mess Mary had left for him. He started shoving papers into the nearest folder. It didn’t matter which one it was, he would eventually organize them when he got the time. Once all of the papers were thrown into their temporary home, he placed the stack of them on top of the coffee table. He got up off of his hands and knees and was soon standing on his own two feet again. 

He shuffled them over to Sherlock’s room. The door was shut. John closed his eyes and gingerly placed his hand on the door knob. He slowly turned it. Pushing the door open, he stepped inside. Once in the room, John opened his eyes one by one and was shocked at what he found. The room inside was spotless. There wasn’t a speck of dust anywhere. Nothing was lying on the floor or looked out of place. However, his clothes had been set up for the next day. 

John gained the courage to walk over to Sherlock’s dresser. He picked up the outfit his best friend had laid out, a pair of dark jeans and a dark T-shirt. John silently chuckled to himself and cracked a smile for the first time in two weeks. Sherlock Holmes always had the same variant of clothing, there was never any change. 

John took a moment to decide whether or not he should put the clothes away and finally decided that he should. He pulled out the pants drawer first and placed the jeans in there. He attempted to find the shirt drawer but ended up finding the sock drawer instead. 

However, there was only one pair of socks and a very old looking box. John placed the shirt back on top of the dresser and picked up the box. He carried it over to the bed. John opened up the box. Inscribed on the top, in Sherlock’s handwriting, it read…

Dear John,

The following letters are for your eyes and your eyes only. Please do not allow anyone else to read them. This is my last wish. 

Sherlock

John pulled the letters out of the box. There were five pieces of paper, all folded into fours. John unfolded the first one and began to read.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said this was going to be up either Friday or Saturday, but I got really busy and didn't have much time to write. I'm sorry! But at least the chapter is up now. =) However, I should be sticking to my posting schedule I have set up, so the next chapter should be up tomorrow! Don't forget to leave a comment or kudos if you enjoyed this one! Hope you stick around for the next one as well!


	5. Letter One

Dear John,

I want you to know that what I did was a result of my own accord. After reading these letters I have left for you, you will probably blame yourself for my death. Do not do so, whatever you do. I want you to know that it is based on my own decisions and my own actions; you had nothing to do with this, I can promise you that right now.

Now that I have gotten that off of my chest, I’ll begin the reasoning behind all of this and then finally get into the truth of this first letter.

John, I needed to come clean to you, but I couldn't speak to you for I am a coward. Obviously, since I take the coward’s way out of everything. I take the coward’s way out of death, the coward’s way of avoiding the media, even the coward’s way of talking to my best friend, writing letters. 

When the idea popped into my head of giving you some closure, I knew I wouldn’t be able to just write one huge letter to get everything out of my mind and onto paper. I needed to separate the letters into five separate ones, covering each and every topic I require you to know.

Now, the first topic I need you to know about, the first time I realized I fell in love with you.

It was about three years ago, after we had finished a very minor case that the name has escaped me of at the moment, probably because it wasn’t important at the time but to me it is now. 

We had gone out to celebrate, just like we do all of the time, except you decided you’d had enough of the small cafe we always go to and wanted Italian food. I finally gave in, since you were very insistent. We arrived at the restaurant you wanted to go to, but it was closed. You were very mad as we walked to the cafe, but I couldn’t help but silently laugh to myself. The way you stood up for yourself and then was very disappointed in the outcome made me realize just how much I wanted you to stay by my side for a very long time. It made me realize that that is exactly how the world is, but I want you to see the better side of the world. It made me realize that I want you to be the happiest you’ve ever been. It made me realize that I wanted to be the one to make you the happiest person in the world.

However, it also made me realize that it would be pretty hard for me to confess this all to you when I had a very difficult time talking about my feelings. I have a habit of keeping things to myself, which isn’t safe for they end up festering. 

I should have just told you about the way I felt, but I was too much of a coward. Maybe if I had gained enough courage to, I would actually be here today. Maybe if I did, we would have been a couple.

Again, I am not blaming you at all! It was all my mistake. I should have just told you how I felt; it would have made both of our lives so much easier.

I’m sorry. 

Sherlock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First letter everyone! Hope you enjoyed it! Please leave a comment or kudos if you did! They're always appreciated. Hopefully you'll return on Wednesday for the next letter!


	6. Letter Two

Dear John,

The reasoning behind this letter is the meaning and apology for the reichenbach fall. 

I couldn’t stay around you any longer, not knowing whether or not we could be anything more. Of course, instead of actually talking to you, I took the coward’s way out and decided to fake my own death. 

Believe me when I say that this was not an easy feat. I needed someone on my side, who wouldn’t blow my cover. That was when I took to the least likely source I could ever imagine, Moriarty. The one man who was my mortal enemy became my savior.

I needed to fake my death to be able to move elsewhere, probably the States, and start a new life there. I couldn’t just stay in our little apartment not knowing whether or not we could be something more.

I was always trying to get Mrs. Hudson to give subtle hints about my love for you, but her example of a subtle hint was out right asking you whether or not you had feelings for me and/or her telling you to just ask me out already. Obviously, Mrs. Hudson wasn’t doing a good job and it wasn’t like the courage to actually speak to you about these things was going to come around any time soon. 

That was when I began to think. I started thinking that death was the option. Then, I started thinking that maybe there was something better, faking it. 

That way, I wouldn’t have to deal with too much, I could just start over.

So the day came and obviously I went through with it. However, after I snuck into my own funeral to scope out what was going on, I felt absolutely terrible. I saw just how distraught everyone was and how they all actually cared about me, which I didn’t think was physically possible. After seeing that display of affection, I knew I had to do something, so I decided I would return after a little while. Obviously, a lot changed between the time I was gone and once I came back, which brings us to our next letter. 

 

Sherlock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obviously, this letter was shorter than the previous one. To be exact, about 200 words shorter. I don't know how long each letter will be, but I hope I add enough words in there that you all enjoy them! I certainly hope you enjoyed this one! Please leave a comment or kudos if you did! <3 They are always greatly appreciated! I hope you come back on Friday for letter number three!


	7. Letter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap! I'm back! I am so sorry I haven't posted this chapter when I promised I would a few months ago. Life has been very hectic with school and I took a small break from writing any and all fanfiction. However, I can say that I have come back with a vengeance and a goal. I will finish this story this week! This is no empty promise either. The other chapters will be written out and will be posted when I write them, which is how this story has moved along, so that's nothing new. I'm sorry again, but I hope this short little installation will keep you coming back for the last bit I have planned.

Dear John,  
      
        The next reason was a very happy day for you but a miserable day for me. I should have been happy for you, I truly should have been. I tried to be genuinely happy, but all I could do was fake my way through it.  
    This was when you announced your engagement to Mary. At first, I was truly happy for you. I was glad you found someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with and your smile stretched from ear to ear. However, as the minutes dwindled on, a new emotion took over my body. This emotion took shape in jealousy. The green eyed monster harbored itself within me. I began to think about how much I wished it was me in Mary’s place.   
    I couldn’t help but suppressing the feelings that were always within me. I had always loved you, John, I just could never bring myself to truly admit it to either myself or you. I thought it was how you felt in a friendship, since I never truly had a friend until you. When you announced your engagement, however, it was my clue that it wasn’t just love in the way of friendship I was feeling; I truly had romantic feelings for you.  
    Now, I wasn’t about to proclaim them at your engagement announcement party! That would just prove how much of a shitty friend I am, as if I didn’t already feel that way. As I previously mentioned, I didn’t have many friends before you, so I didn’t know how to properly treat a friend. I hope I did right by you, John. I’d hate to know I could ever harm you.  
    At this point, I realized how much I had fucked myself over. I couldn’t confess my love for you since you were going to get married to the one person you truly loved. I didn’t want to throw my feelings into that mix because you were probably already freaking out with everything that comes with a wedding. With that, I will segway over to the next letter. 

Sherlock  
   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like it? I hope so! If you did, please let me know by commenting or leaving a kudos! Thank you, lovely readers! <3


	8. Letter Four

Dear John,  
        This letter is also about a happy occasion that I masked my actual feelings throughout. I feel awful just remembering how I felt and how you felt. It was supposed to be a happy day for everyone, but of course this selfish bastard can’t think of anyone else but himself.   
    This occasion I am referencing is your wedding to Mary.  I was honored that out of all the people you could have chosen to be your best man, you picked this sorry old sap. I was also a little surprised, because well, I’m me. I’m not that great of a human being and I still don’t think or know if I’m that good of a friend. You could have picked any of your other male friends, and yet, you chose me.   
    That day two vows were made. One was between you and Mary, that you would be with each other and love each other until the end of your lives. The second one, which you may or may not have been aware of since this was somewhat all in my head, was between you and me. This vow basically stated that we would be best friends until the end of our lives.   
    It was probably all in my head, but that’s what it felt like, standing up there and being the best man at your wedding. When I gave you that ring and you smiled at me, it was like the confirmation of the vow that had slowly been forming in my head.  
    And yet, I still couldn’t be genuinely happy for you.  
    I was so swept up in my own emotions that day that I couldn’t be truly happy for you. I hate admitting this and I hate to even think about it, but sometimes the truth is even more painful then you could ever expect.   
    I couldn’t help thinking that it should have been me you were placing a ring on. I couldn’t help thinking that it should have been me you kissed when the priest told you to do so. I couldn’t help thinking that it should have been me that you held hands and walked down the aisle with. I couldn’t help thinking that it should have been me you made an entrance with during the wedding reception. I couldn’t help thinking that it should have been me that you had your first dance with.   
    Some of the things physically pained me so much that I had to leave the reception altogether and go the bathroom. My heart just couldn’t take it. I should have told you from the moment that I knew it, but I didn’t. I couldn’t admit it. But now, the next and final letter will explain everything.  
Sherlock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're coming so close to the end of the story! One more letter and then one last chapter to close it all off. I hope you're preparing yourself for the end and enjoying this story! However, the only way I'll be able to know is if you tell me! Please leave a comment and/or kudos down below! Thank you, you wonderful readers. <3


	9. Letter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are trigger warnings for self harm and suicide on this chapter. If you are sensitive to these topics, please be careful if you choose to read this. Don't push yourself if you're debating on whether or not to read it. I'd rather you be safe. <3

Dear John,  
        This letter is my end all be all. Some people leave a suicide note before they commit suicide to explain why they are doing so to their loved ones. This is a little bit different, but it’s the same concept. I decided to write a suicide letter. This is because there is only one person I want to tell the truth to, and that’s you John. You deserve to know the truth and no one else, at least in my opinion. You could tell anyone you want after reading this and that would be your choice.   
    The reason I am doing the harshest thing possible to my body is because I can’t live with myself anymore. I’ve been very unhappy for the longest time and I can’t feel this way anymore. It’s slowly killing me and it’s come to the point where it’s not just internal anymore. I was inflicting myself with pain by cutting my wrists and thighs. The pain on the inside was too much. The thoughts running through my head daily were becoming more and more destructive. That’s why the intake of cases was becoming slower and slower. My head was being infected by negativity so much that I could hardly do any work. I was slowly sinking down into a place that I can’t be pulled out of.  
    So, John, I’m sorry but I can’t keep it in any longer. You’re very smart so I’m sure you’ve already connected the dots. I can’t keep it in any longer and I’m sorry you have to find out this way but I’m completely, utterly, head over heels in love with you, John Watson.   
    John, I’ve loved you for what feels like forever but have only been able to come to terms with it for a very minimal amount of time. I thought that maybe if I went out on a date or two with Molly, maybe I’d be able to repress the feelings I had for you. However, I didn’t realize what they truly were until I realized I definitely didn’t feel the same way about Mary as she did for me. Those feelings were all for you.   
    I can’t keep living in this house when I’m being plagued with the realization that you will never feel the same way for me. I’d move out, but I would still have to see you everyday to work and forever be reminded by your wonderful personality and handsome face that you won’t be able to feel the same way ever.   
    I had to take my life into my own hands. It would be the only way to destroy the darkness going through my mind all day, every day.   
    I’m sorry John. I want you to live your life every day to it’s full extent. I never want you to blame yourself for what I have done. I made this decision on my own and no one else influenced it. Remember, I will forever love you.  
Sherlock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you did end up reading this, thank you! I hope you enjoyed it. Please leave a comment and/or kudos. The finale will be up tomorrow.


	10. End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please be wary when reading this final chapter. There is a trigger warning for suicide. Please be safe <3

The tears began to stream down John’s face by letter two. When he reached the end of the fifth letter, he was completely bawling his eyes out. He couldn’t wipe away the tears fast enough. As soon as he wiped them away, new ones would stream down his cheeks.   
    ‘How could he think I would never love him!?’ John thought to himself. ‘I loved him way before Mary. I forced myself to marry her so I could get over Sherlock. Now he thinks I would never love him.’  
    John’s tears turned from those of sadness to ones of rage. He quickly wiped them away. He gathered up Sherlock’s letters and stood up. He slowly walked to the kitchen and dumped the letters into the sink. He rummaged around in the kitchen drawer, looking for a lighter. When he found it, he lit it and set the letters aflame. John watched as the letters Sherlock poured his heart and soul to were destroyed.   
    ‘The letters were addressed to me. He only truly wanted me to know why he did this to himself. I can’t risk anyone finding them.’  
    When all that remained of the letters was ash, John turned on the faucet to wash away the possibility of another fire happening.   
    “Mary!” John called out into the apartment. His voice was quiet and scratchy. When he was met with silence, he tried again, louder this time. “Mary!” Still, no one responded. John was relieved to know that his wife wasn’t in the house when he read the letters. Knowing her, she probably would have snooped and tried to figure out what he was reading.   
    John shuffled his way out of the kitchen and made his way down the hallway. He stopped at the room he shared with Mary and walked inside. John went over to the bed and knelt down. He grabbed a box out from underneath the bed. He opened it and retrieved its contents; a single pistol. John originally purchased the gun in case of any intruders.   
    John cocked the gun, put the barrel to his temple, and pulled the trigger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this story! It took longer than I had anticipated for it to be over, but we've reached the finale. Even though there was a very sad ending, there is a small glimmer of good news. If you enjoyed this story, there is going to be definitely one, possibly two stories that make up a series. Now, here me out. The next one will be a short Irene/Molly fic. I'm still debating about whether or not to do a Mycroft/Lestrade oneshot or not. Either way, keep a look out for both of them. Also, I promise that they will both have a happy ending. 
> 
> If you enjoyed this story, please comment and/or leave a kudos. I'm glad you stuck with me all the way to the end. Thank you, all of you wonderful readers. <3


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